Hidden Hearts
by Cecilia Waters
Summary: Lelouch hides the fact that he’s gay. Tries to hide it. Sacrifices himself because he doesn’t want Suzaku to love him.
1. Secrets

Hidden Hearts

Chapter Rating: T

*I will probably rate the story M because it will contain adult themes*

Ok Ok here's more yaoi fodder for the masses. I at least attempted to keep them in character in this one and its angsty…like all the others. So let me know how I did on the whole in character thing k? I got this idea while listening to "Carry You Home" by James Blunt, for me, it's a very touching and meaningful song. Anyways, to be perfectly honest with you I'm not sure the two are related but just thought I'd tell you when the idea came to me. I'm probably going to make more than one chapter (I have some ideas and from the looks of things this story isn't gonna end any time soon T.T) but one step at a time right?

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Hidden Hearts

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Lelouch strolls down the brick layered sidewalk inside the Ashford Academy campus. On a bright, sunny day like today, many of the students were spending time in the courtyard afterschool. Lelouch however seems particularly preoccupied with something as he keeps his head down seeming very intent upon the brickwork laid out before his feet. "Lelouch!" he hears someone call out. With a sigh Lelouch turns to see who it was that disturbed his thoughts about… "Lelouch, there you are. We didn't see you at the Student Council meeting." Suzaku said with a smile as he caught up to the raven haired boy. "Ah. Well, you see I was" Lelouch started to explain but Suzaku cut him off "You were off gambling again weren't you? I thought you gave that up." Suzaku said in an accusatory tone. Lelouch just smiled and replied with "you caught me" in one of the most playful tones. Lelouch wasn't about to go arguing today, _especially_ not with Suzaku. Lelouch really needed to get away from the boy as soon as possible before he found out about his little secret. _My little secret_ Lelouch thought with mirth _that had turned into a big problem_. Lelouch adjusted the strap of his black bag on his shoulder and said "Well Suzaku, I was just about to go into town. There's a few things I need to pick up and I don't want to be out too late. Nunnally will worry about me after all." He started to walk away, thinking he had avoided a precarious situation when Suzaku spoke up from behind him "Hey wait! That's great, I'm going into town too!" Lelouch's eyes widened as he heard Suzaku's footsteps follow him. Lelouch turned his head and said "But Suzaku, don't you have military duties?" Suzaku blushed as he explained "Well Lloyd decided it would be best to give me some time off after that incident at the prison…" Suzaku didn't feel completely comfortable talking about this with Lelouch. It made him feel as though he had deceived his friend about what he actually did in the military. But Suzaku hadn't wanted to make it seem like a big deal, and he was afraid Lelouch would worry about him unnecessarily if he was told the truth. "Oh right" Lelouch said uncertainly, this was a touchy subject for him as well. Lelouch thought for a moment but could think of no excuse for Suzaku to not accompany him so he said, albeit reluctantly "Well, you're right then, we should go into town together." And with that Lelouch resumed his walk towards the campus exit leaving Suzaku to catch up to him.

1:00am Lelouch finally laid down on his bed with a tired sigh. He and Suzaku had spent quite a bit of time together that day and it had done nothing but frustrated Lelouch even more. First off he hadn't been able to accomplish _any_ of the 'errands' he had set out to do in regards to the Black Knights but furthermore it had seemed as though Suzaku had been hell bent on keeping Lelouch's _little problem_ at the forefront of his mind. Lelouch closed his eyes in exasperation as he remembered how, earlier that day, Suzaku had _insisted_ that they share a shake at their favorite ice cream parlour (A/N I am so sorry but wtf does ice cream keep showing up in my yaois?!? I swear I don't have a weird fetish D…sigh ok continue) Lelouch couldn't stop thinking about Suzaku in a most inappropriate manner as he sipped the strawberry shake _from the same straw Suzaku had been using!_ "stubborn fool" Lelouch breathed aloud as he thought about the days events. It never ceased to surprise him how a boy like Suzaku, who had grown up in a traditional Japanese home, could be so oblivious to the impropriety of little stunts like the one he pulled today "but then again" Lelouch mused "he's always been like that, with me." And it was true that nothing had ever come between him and Suzaku, they had always been open with each other. Like when they were little and read books all night long underneath the covers in Suzaku's room because Lelouch had been frightened by the lightening storm outside. Or how they went on grand adventures all over Japan's countryside, always together. But now, Lelouch feared, too much had come between them over these past seven years that their friendship, let alone his secret desire for love, would never stand a chance. Lelouch knew that he couldn't love Suzaku, it was forbidden! Not just by the empire but by his heart as well. The very same heart that told him to love Suzaku and care for him always told him it was wrong to think of a boy that way. But even more condemning than all of that was Lelouch's mind, which told him that _Suzaku_ could never love Lelouch; because he was a boy, because Lelouch was a liar, because they were now enemies, and because Suzaku _had_ to hate Lelouch, Lelouch would make him hate. Lelouch knew, ever since that day Suzaku turned his back on Zero, on his savior from execution, that he and Suzaku would never be anything but enemies. As Lelouch came out of his thoughts he realized that his face was wet and with anger Lelouch wiped away the tears that had fallen unbidden and for absolutely no reason. Lelouch lay down upon his pillow once more, his eyes still moist, and attempted to sleep. He knew he need the rest badly, just as he knew that nothing but a very long and very lonely night awaited him. As he gazed out the window he didn't notice as a certain green haired witched carefully and silently closed the door. "Hmm" CC mused to herself "Lelouch seems rather upset but, I can't imagine why?" after a slight pause she stated with resolution "well, he better not go getting himself hurt before he fulfills my contract." With that she walked down the hall into the next room. She would let him have his room for tonight, it's not as though it really mattered to her anyway.

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Ok so not too much yaoi in this chapter. I'm not expecting it to get real heavy but there will be sexual tension and maybe some boy love. Review please?


	2. Say No Evil

Chapter Rating: T

A/N Someone mentioned in their review that the previous chapter was hard to read cause it was all squahed up . yeah I know… So sorry! I just really didn't know what to do with it. So let's see if I can form decent paragraph structure this time eh?

Soo um let's see what happens shall we!?

I don't have a really clear picture of where to take this story; I just know how I want to end it. But stuff needs to happen in between. So bear with me please.

I was listening to "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo and "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace while I wrote this. Do you people care or should I seriously shut up about this kind of stuff?!

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Hidden Hearts

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"ughhhmmmm" Lelouch moaned as he woke to the annoying ring of his alarm. With heavy eyes he turned the alarm off and swung his legs out of bed. Looking down Lelouch realized he had slept in his uniform. "Crap! I won't have time to get these wrinkles out before school!" He said, realizing he had overslept as well. Doing the best he could with the uniform and changing into a fresh shirt Lelouch made his way downstairs for breakfast. "Good morning Sayoko, Nunnally. I've got to run today; don't want to be late after all." Lelouch kissed Nunnally on the cheek, grabbed some toast, and headed out the door.

The cool air of approaching fall was refreshing and finally woke Lelouch up completely. Apart from a slightly rumpled uniform, Lelouch didn't look like a boy that had spent the last five hours tossing and turning in a bed getting very little real sleep. Lelouch felt better in the light of day but couldn't shake thoughts of the previous night from his mind. _This is hard…I didn't think I'd have problems forgetting about Suzaku but…_ Lelouch thought as he continued to dream of impossible ways that he and Suzaku could be together, one day, after all this mess was over. Upon hearing the bell Lelouch picked up his pace and made it into his first period class just a minute after the bell. "Lelouch" Professor Magill said "you're late."

"Sorry Professor, I was just admiring the outdoors." Lelouch replied with a half lie.

"Well class hasn't started yet and to be frank it's good to see you here at all, so you're excused this time, just try to be more mindful."

"Yes sir." Lelouch said as he slipped into his seat by the window. Lelouch dreamed through his classes and was awoken by Rivalz who shouted "Hey Leouch, come on man it's time to go to the Student Council Meeting." Lelouch looked up from his history book _that he hadn't been reading_ and said "Oh, right Rivalz, I'll be right there." Rivalz gave him a hard look and said "you better not skip out on us this time Lelouch or Milly'll have your head." Lelouch just smiled and Rivalz left with the rest of the Student Council Members. As Lelouch picked up his books he smiled to himself and said "It's a good thing I'm so used to sleeping in class, though I must admit it's a bit disturbing when I can sleep better at a desk than I can in my own bed." Lelouch walked out the door and headed towards the meeting.

"Ah!" Lelouch yelled in surprise. He had opened the door to the student council room only to discover Suzaku stepping towards him, very off balance, with Arthur hanging onto his arm.

"Arthur let go!" Suzaku complained. The next second Lelouch, having failed in his attempt to side step Suzaku, fell directly on top of his friend as Arthur raced out of the room. Lelouch looked down into Suzaku's eyes not believing his bad luck. _He was so close…_ Lelouch blushed deeply as he felt an erection beginning to form _Not now!!!! _Lelouch thought desperately but then again, he never did have very good control over his body. Suzaku's eyes widened as he realized the cause of Lelouch's sudden mortification but decided to help his friend pass it off as nothing. "So um, Lelouch" Suzaku said playfully "you think you could let me up now or what?" Lelouch just stared at the boy then quickly got up, brushing his uniform and mumbling "uh, right, sorry." Looking around the student council room Lelouch realized that no one else had noticed the extent of the precarious situation the two had just been in.

"Oh Lelouch" Milly said "you're such a clutz sometimes, now get over here and help us balance this budget." There was a collective groan in the room and Lelouch sighed.

"Madame President, if it's alright with you I'd like to go wash off this bite Arthur gave me" Suzaku said holding up his arm. "Oh right. You better go take care of that Suzaku; we'll take care of things here until you get back." Once Suzaku was at the door he looked over at Lelouch and tugged on the collar of his uniform jacket. Lelouch saw this and his eyes widened _meet on the roof, what could Suzaku want now?!_ Lelouch thought, a slight blush gracing his cheeks again. "Come on Lelouch." Milly Called.

"Actually Madame President, I'm not feeling very well. That must be the reason I'm so clumsy today. I think I'll go rest somewhere."

Milly looked at Lelouch carefully and with concern "Well alright, I guess we'll just have to do it. Right guys!" She said with enthusiasm to get the rest of them pumped up. Rivalz looked at the door longingly wishing he had an excuse to leave too. Lelouch left his friends to their paperwork and headed to the roof of the school.

Sure enough Suzaku was there staring out over the various after school activities that were taking place. The gardening club was planting Spinach, the equestrian team was practicing jumps, the swimming team was showing off their bathing suits. "They must be cold" Lelouch commented, having come to stand beside Suzaku. "Yeah " Suzaku said with a smile "but you know how they are." Suzaku turned to look at Lelouch, his face now serious "I'm glad you came. I wanted to ask you about something."

"Yeah" Lelouch said looking down; he had an idea what it was.

"What was the deal back there…in the student council room." Suzaku said looking a bit uncomfortable. "I mean I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it but, it was just kind of weird. It's not like I did anything that might've caused you to…to react like that." _Please don't say you like me _Suzaku thought as he finished his sentence _I couldn't take it. _

"Oh, that." Lelouch said nonchalantly. "Well it really was nothing, I've just been a little excitable today." _Keep up the act, keep up the act _Lelouch thought to himself as he allowed a slight blush of embarrassment about the whole incident to appear on his cheeks. "You know how it is, for guys sometimes."

"Oh right." Suzaku said, rather quietly " Yeah I know how it is." He said more confidently this time "Well, I'm glad we don't have to make things weird between us. I mean we're such good friends let's just put it behind us. Besides I've got something I wanted to tell you." _Thank goodness it wasn't how I thought. How could I be so stupid to think Lelouch would like me? Now I'm sure he'll be happy with the news I've got to tell him. _

"Yeah?" Lelouch said with curiosity in his voice and a smile plastered on his face. "what is it?"

"I've met this girl I really like. Her name's Euphy, Euphemia vi Britannia." Suzaku said "Well I mean, I know she's your sister, I just wanted to know what you thought about the whole thing. She wants me to be her knight and, well, I'm going to accept. She really means a lot to me."

Lelouch kept that smile on his face as he said "Oh wow. I had heard she had recently been sent to Japan but, I never thought I'd hear much about her." A thought crossed Lelouch's mind and he quickly asked Suzaku "She doesn't know about me being here does she?!"

"No." Suzaku said with certainty. "I kept that secret for you."

"Good." Lelouch said now calm again, even though his heart was breaking from hearing that Suzaku had picked someone else, besides him. "And I couldn't think of anyone better to protect her." Lelouch added kindly _Even though I wanted you for Nunnally, and for myself_ Lelouch added to himself mournfully. "As for telling her about me, maybe I could do that, some other time, but for now I'd appreciate it if you continued to keep my existence a secret from her."

"Of course Lelouch, you're still my friend after all." Suzaku replied

Lelouch couldn't keep the hurt out of his eyes at the words Suzaku spoke. _That's right, your friend. But your enemy too. And your lover? No, never. But still, to be able to stay beside the beloved one is the special privilege of a friend. It's a privilege I'll keep, if only for awhile longer. _ After a short silence between the two of them Suzaku broke it saying "Well, I better get back down to the student council meeting before Milly decides to start a search party for me. I'm sure she and the others don't want to be stuck down there dong that paperwork on their own. Thanks so much Lelouch, it really means a lot to me that you're ok, with Euphy and I." "Sure." Lelouch replied "No problem. I'm just going to stay up here for awhile."

--Lelouch's POV--

Lelouch watched Suzaku go down the stairs for a bit and then turned his gaze back over the campus. Only he couldn't see it through the moist haze in his eyes. He hated that he was so weak, that he had these feelings for Suzaku at all, but most of all, he hated how a part of him couldn't help but be overjoyed that he now knew a weakness of Suzaku's. Zero now knew a way to clear the problem of the white knight away. _Suzaku you've chosen Euphy, not us but Euphy? Well, that's fine, I can stay close to you still. . There's something I can do about this but there's no need for it. Victory is already within my reach since I know the pilot in the white knightmare is Suzaku. I now know how to defeat him. _ _I would have preferred to keep Euphy out of it but, given the circumstances it's the only thing._

--Suzaku's POV--

As Suzaku made his way down the staircase he breathed a sign of relief. He can't help but be grateful that Lelouch hadn't felt or noticed _his own _erection that had occurred while Lelouch was on top of him. Suzaku didn't think Lelouch would be comfortable with emotions like that and besides there was the military…and Euphy. He had to keep his priorities in order. There was simply no space for the feelings he had for Lelouch. He had found a woman he loved and it would be better, so much better, for both him and Lelouch, if Suzaku just kept his feelings secret. --

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Review please! Is it okay? I really don't know what I'm doing. Seriously, it's hard for me to keep longer stories straight in my head so I really feel like I'm just rambling on here. I'm only good for one shots and ridiculous yaoi's that no one takes seriously. This was pretty lighthearted I guess and I think the coming chapters are going to be a bit more sober. Gah! I can't take it! Suzaku is hiding his feelings too! T.T

I have a serious question too. I like to let the readers know what the characters are thinking but do you think I'm using it as a crutch or using it too much? Or that it's just not necessary? Review please and let me know what you think about the story so far! Next update probably won't be as fast, sorry!


	3. Battle of Attrition

Damn it I need to update! Sooo hoping this story's gonna end soon before it turns into a whole nother train wreck *winks at Code Geass allusion* In reality I don't see any ending in sight until at least another five chapters *sighs* I am an impatient one.

And BlackRose figured it out. There is indeed something off in Lelouch's head, though, I won't come right out and say what just yet…it might be pretty obvious though.

While writing I listened to "Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson "Fuck You Like an Animal" by NIN and "Collide" by Howie Day and "Let That Be Enough" by Switchfoot (sorry but I worked on this a lot of separate times). Seriously, I spent so much time just looking at this. It's a simple chapter but it was hard to finish.

Okay let's go on another adventure and explore what the hell happens in this chapter! . follow me!

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Hidden Hearts

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Late at night Lelouch walked crisply through the doorway of his home. It had been a long day. A full day of classes, the student council meeting he begged out of, that…encounter with Suzaku, and then he had to rush to the bus stop to get to the Black Knights meeting. He had already missed the preliminary planning meeting two days ago and simply couldn't put off another one. They were moving out tomorrow and, against Cornelia, Lelouch knew that he needed his strategy to work flawlessly. Lelouch was a little surprised to see Nunnally sitting at the dining room table facing towards the door, obviously waiting for his return. It was so late he was so sure she had already gone to bed. Upon hearing the door open Nunnally looked up and in the direction of Lelouch. Quickly pushing aside thoughts of the various preparations he still needed to complete before the day was out Lelouch gave his younger sister a clear, warm smile (even though she couldn't see him) and greeted her "Hello Nunnally. I didn't think you'd still be up so late. Are you alright?"

Nunnally returned Lelouch's smile and soothed his fears "Yes brother, I am fine but…I was actually worried about you. You've been out late so often recently and you seem reserved, like you're hiding something. Is it a girl?" Nunnally suddenly blurted out. Lelouch looked surprised at first but quickly recovered, taking on a cool joking voice "of course not Nunnally, now let's get you to bed." Lelouch helped Nunnally up the stairs and laid her down into her bed. Before he could leave Nunnally stopped him with her words "Lelouch? Stay with me for awhile please?" Nunnally looked so worried and innocent that Lelouch simply could not refuse his sister, not that he ever could. He said "Of course Nunally" and stayed by her side, holding her hand, until she drifted off into the world of dreams. When she was finally asleep Lelouch stood and wiped a tear from the corner of his eye _I've got so much to lose…_Lelouch thought sadly _and so much I can't have. The ones I love, will I have to sacrifice them all? Nunnally __**has**__ to be protected, at all costs, and Suzaku…If they stay by me they will all be hurt! I have to make the world a better place for them so they can be happy!_ Lelouch was frustrated and deeply concerned about how he could accomplish all the tasks at hand, it was truly overwhelming. It didn't help one bit that part of him also reminded him _about CC. You have to complete your contract with her and get revenge upon your father, for what he did to Nunnally. Take CC advice and keep your loved ones far away. You will win this fight but the risks, and the costs, will be high._ Lelouch shook his head and straighted up, there was still much to be done before the coming day and before he could lay down for some much needed rest.

--

When Lelouch woke up after only a few hours of sleep he had no idea what the day had in store for him. He had anticipated this battle against Cornelia to be a difficult one. But as he had known deep down, Lelouch had yet to fathom the risks, and the costs, involved in his endeavor to destroy Britannia. He had never anticipated a battle of attrition to occur. _Battles _he was once again reminded_ are not like chess. Sometimes there is no clean winner or loser; no black or white. _While Lelouch was grateful for not explicitly losing the battle he knew his troop's morale had taken a heavy blow. _Real battles…they have many more variables than strategy games…too much gray area to account for. _These concepts, while not unheard of by Lelouch were much harder to grasp and take into account. _Perhaps that is what Suzaku is…a gray area…_ Lelouch thought hopefully _perhaps he simply does not know what to do…NO! Suzaku wants to destroy Zero, he is a threat, seeing him as anything else will only make it harder to eliminate him._ "Shut up!" Lelouch yelled only to sigh a moment later in frustration. "CC was right" he said under his breath "I'm not keeping what I value most far enough away from me and…it's affecting my ability to think logically" With a scowl on his face Lelouch recalled the unexpected opportunity to once again ask Suzaku to join Zero's cause. The two had met on the battlefield on which Lelouch surely would have died had CC not saved him. Lelouch remembered how badly he wanted Suzaku to join him, he would have done anything. _Suzaku would have been a valuable addition to the group and finally_, Lelouch thought, _I might have been able to show him who I was…how I felt. _But this was only to be a bitter dream a bitter memory of what was never supposed to be. Suzaku, true to his self, had refused and condemned Zero's methods and in effect, refused and condemned Lelouch's love _just as I have always feared he would, were he given the chance._ Lelouch thought mournfully. Overall it had been much too long of a day and Lelouch tiredly ascended the stairs to his room. Needless to say, he was less than thrilled when he saw the green haired witch sitting upon his bed. As soon as CC saw Lelouch she stood and began her speech "hmph, Lelouch really you're following this boy around like a sick puppy. I know you love him but you've got to get over it. Keep your loved ones distant, I've told you again and again" CC reprimanded "I won't have you dying" She said firmly "not before you've completed your contract with me."

"I have it under control CC I know he's my enemy I know we can't be together so just leave me alone! It's bad enough as it is!" Lelouch hissed at her vehemently while he inwardly crumbled _I don't need her telling me how hopeless it is too_. "That's not the point" CC said, thoroughly bored with his uncharacteristically childish antics "The point is can you defeat him? When the time comes?"

"Yes!" Lelouch responded immediately. CC looked at him doubtfully. Both were so engaged in the argument that neither sensed Nunnally sitting in her wheelchair just behind Lelouch's door. She gasps because she realizes Lelouch is in love with Suzaku. _I knew something was wrong with those two! Things have been so tense ever since Suzaku came to our school! But why? Why is Lelouch hiding his love for his best friend, that's terrible! And Suzaku is just as bad…that must be why he said that they shouldn't be seen together._ Suddenly everything made sense to Nunnally. _And Lelouch plans to defeat Suzaku, will he really kill the love of his life?_ Nunnally couldn't quite understand it. She knew Lelouch was Zero. She had figured it out not long ago and was already concerned about the path her brother was taking to make the world a better place. She felt she should do something. She started to move away from the door and head towards her room. _Maybe I can save him, maybe I can make it so they will be able to love each other without having to worry about killing their lover or hiding their desire. _

When CC opened the door to leave Lelouch to his thoughts and strategies Nunnally was no where in sight.

Suzaku's POV

On the other side of the academy, in the boys dorms, Suzaku dried off after a hot shower hoping to wash away the blood and the dirt of the day. _Lelouch _he thought forlornly _how can we ever be together when the world we have now forbids it and the people working to create a new world are using such abhorrent means. After being thrown together after so long I thought perhaps we might have had a chance, but I see now I was a fool. _"Lelouch, you are truly a forbidden love" Suzaku said aloud and with that he turned off the light and went to sleep.

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I know this took a long time to update! I promise I'm not slacking off but lack of direction coupled with tons of work made things difficult. Hopefully the next one will be a little more interesting and I'm hoping to add more Suzaku into the mix. ^.^ I put his little piece at the end so you remembered he was still there. Good or no? Also the previous chapter 2 there was a quote from another anime "_**, to be able to stay beside the beloved one is the special privilege of a friend" **_is said by Aikihiko Usami in Junjo Romantica *DO NOT WATCH IT IF YOU DON'T LIKE YAOI* ty and that is all REVIEW!


	4. Midnight Madness

Ok seriously please don't kill me. I've been on break and lazy and all but I had serious problems with this fic mainly…my computer had a virus, had to be wiped, and ALL OF MY DOCUMENTS DIED T.T apparently they weren't saved on my external hard drive correctly and they are all gone (including all my work on fan fictions, oh yeah and all that important school stuff to, but whatever.) *sigh* it's taken me awhile to get over this crushing blow. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this little installment and I'm going to plug though anyway. Take Care!

Listened to: Which to bury us or the hatchet? – Relient K

Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass, at all.

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Hidden Hearts

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The battle of the previous day left Lelouch tired, sore, and in low spirits. None-the-less he wasn't willing to miss school today; he needed to see how Suzaku was doing. _How badly his enemy was injured and shaken; if his friend had pulled through okay, if he would forgive. _

"Lelouch!" Nunnally called for her brother from downstairs "come to breakfast."

"Lelouch you look terrible! Didn't you sleep at all last night?"

"Of course Nunnally. You needn't worry about me. I'm not hungry today so I'll just be off to school ok? Sayoko will help you to class." With that Lelouch left for school with tired eyes, scrapes from the previous day, and a heavy heart.

He ignored her calls to take an umbrella. As a hard cold rain came down from the sky and showed no signs of stopping, Lelouch slipped through the door.

He arrived to class on time (much to the pleasure of his professor), soaked to the bone, and remained completely oblivious throughout the day. He did not look at Suzaku and Suzaku did not look at him. Lelouch stared at the blackboard, feigning interest, as he replayed the battle over and over again in his head. His sister, Cornelia, had proven a more difficult adversary than he had anticipated. He knew better than to think her soft, as some of his aristocratic siblings were. No, she was made for battle and he had accounted on a hard won victory. _A victory! A victory not this poor excuse for a battle. _Lelouch heard the thought shouted in his head what seemed like a thousand times. Furiously he recounted the battles events and outcomes. _Both sides had lost heavily, but Britannia had far vaster reserves upon which to draw. At least the Black Knights held their own…but that will not do. I must win. _Another part of him still said. _In a way I should be thankful for this battle. It exposed weaknesses in the Black Knights which must be rectified and it spilled the blood of many Britannian's who were in my way. But still, the main objective has not been reached. I must destroy Britannia. _*bbrrrrrrrrrrrrrringgg*

Lelouch was started back into consciousness by the bell ringing. He jumped out of his seat and with a painful smile called to his friends "See you guys later." His hardly contained scowl brewing beneath the surface Lelouch tore for the door and fully intended to go back to sleep. "I don't care about any of this anymore." _I can't do this anymore! _Lelouch thought in a panic. _I can't! I'll have to destroy Suzaku, Euphemia, even Nunnally isn't safe! Every day I put her in danger as a relative of a terrorist! I'll have to destroy Zero; find some other way to oppose the empire. Suzaku will help me…he will forgive me then… _Lelouch could not help but hope; hope that he was right even as Zero knew he was wrong.

_Fool! _Zero hissed into his mind _you are every bit the fool you accuse Suzaku of being. To create a brilliant plan like this and be too weak and pathetic to see it through. There is no excuse and Suzaku would never forgive you for such a failure. Just as you failed in the battle because you were up against your sister, whom you respect and Suzaku, whom you love. Your emotions are going to kill us both! _Lelouch knew it was true. He hated the fact that Suzaku had refused to join his cause for a second time at the battle. Lelouch was certain Suzaku could see he lacked convictions, and he would fail in his goal of saving Suzaku from the evil of the empire, from creating a world in which they could be together, a world which accepted people who were different _like us, like Nunnally._

"Ah!" Lelouch cried out in a choked sob of surprise. Lelouch lay prone, his back against the brick of the wall with his shoulders pinned down by Suzaku.

"You!" The boy snarled as his emerald eyes burned with emotions of hatred, loss, anger but most of all _betrayal. _"We could have worked together! You were my friend! We were supposed to be together, always!" Suzaku's eyes turned cold his voice emotionless and he continued "You're supposed to be so smart, but all you've done is followed this insane plan that only hurts the innocent, and is, most likely, going to kill us _both."_ Suzaku removed his hands from Lelouch's shoulders quickly as though he couldn't stand to touch the boy another second and stormed off towards the dormitories.

In truth Suzaku couldn't stand to touch his friend for a second longer. He was disgusted with himself for getting angry, for failing to resolve this conflict. Most of all Suzaku couldn't stand to look at Lelouch who appeared as though Suzaku's words had truly broken the boy in two.

Lelouch stared ahead sightless until his body slumped into the cold wet mud of the ground. He was in pain, his heart beat furiously and contracted painfully, Suzaku had surely killed him. _A drug?! _Lelouch thought frantically. He remained in the dirt with the icy needles prickling at his flesh until darkness finally consumed him. _This can't be the way it ends…_ was Lelouch's final thought before he lost himself in that warmth of darkness. It was not long before Lelouch was dragged away, in the clutches of a green haired woman.

When Lelouch awoke he was puzzled and disappointed to see himself in a bed comfortable, clean, and very much alive. "ha!" Lelouch let out a bitter laugh as he reflected that his feeble immune system would only fail him now by failing to allow him to succumb to pneumonia or some other unpleasantness that would take him away from this nightmare.

"Well I see you're awake."

"Shut up witch!"

"Is that any way to thank your savior? You were far more grateful for my assistance the first time I helped you. Not regretting it are you?" CC eyed him carefully.

"No."

"At least you're not babbling on about assassination attempts anymore. Honestly, there are enough people who want you dead without you inventing any."

"Suzaku _does _want me dead." Lelouch retorted.

*hmph* "Well you already know what to do about that. Kill him or use your Geass."

"Leave me alone witch."

CC stared at him then sauntered out of the room, cheese-kun in hand.

Lelouch sighed and leaned back into his pillows. A fitful and fevered sleep overtook him that night due to exposure to the rain and stress. He tossed about restlessly, desperate for _something._

Lelouch knew it had to be a dream. He was years back in time, in a time that was happy.

--- The warm gentle breeze flowed through the tall grasses. Underneath the bright moon, he ran though the gently swaying grass silently till he was tackled by Suzaku. The two burst into laughter. Their common midnight outings were always fun. It was a whole new world to explore and create. There were no helicopters, no soldiers, no officials or advisors, and most of all no one to say or care that one was Japanese and the other Britannian nobility. No one to say they should be enemies, no one to see that they were friends, no one to keep them apart. Even as their two nations raged in a war of superiority as much as sovereignty the two found peace. Because that was the world of the day, the world of the night was much more bright. It was a world filled with soft ground, fireflies, rows of vegetables ripe for harvest. Of dark forests to uncover mysteries in, cool streams to bathe in, and soft banks on which to rest. It was in this world the two could laugh, and play, and tell truths in. It was this world that they lived and fought for.

The two were tired and breathing heavily from their game of tag. His stamina had of course given out making him an easy target for Suzaku. The two now lay peacefully upon the grass staring up at the stars and stealing glances at each other. This silence was interrupted as Suzaku slid closer to his body and placed a soft kiss upon his forehead. "I missed you." the emerald eyed boy said. The exotic violet eyed boy responded with a soft smile "I missed you too." He whispered.

Suzaku took on a troubled countenance as he remained propped above his friend "I don't know when I'll see you again?"

"Don't worry." he whispered back "we're together now and I know we'll be together again. We're not supposed to worry about those things now right?"

Suzaku leaned down again, this time placing a kiss on his nose. "Right" he said firmly "I just don't like how we have to hide."

"We're not hiding, stupid. We're out in the open, after all, it was your idea to come here." He said to reassure his friend, though he knew how the boy felt. "Besides this stupid war is going to end." He said with confidence. "When I'm old enough I'm going to destroy Britannia so no one will have to experience this injustice and pain."

Suzaku hummed in response and continued downwards scattering kisses randomly along his torso. Lelouch couldn't repress a small shiver at this action. With a sly grin Suzaku added hands to his play and lightly tickled Lelouch.

"No fair!" he cried out indignantly. But Suzaku was persistent and stronger, even then, and the tickling persisted.

---- break to reality

"mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmmmm." His moans were pitiful, soft, and insistent as he dreamed of his friend's mouth upon his body. He missed that touch. Lelouch missed that time, more than he would ever admit to anyone.

Break to dream ---

Suzaku finally allowed him to rise. Lelouch jumped to his feet trying to avoid another 'attack'. He looked at his friend with a begrudged smile, he could never remain angry with Suzaku, not since they had become friends. The look of horror and repulsion that Suzaku returned puzzled Lelouch. A second later he felt himself grabbed violently by the shoulders by two sharply taloned feet. He cried out in pain and looked up only to be confronted by the sight of a giant bird. The bird's feathers were red as blood and it looked down upon the boy with cold dark and intelligent eyes. It released a might shriek that tore through the night.

"Suzaku!" he cried out to his friend below

"Suzaku!" Lelouch cried out as he bolted upright in bed, chest heaving, eyes wide, clutching his shoulders.

"It was so real." He said as he gripped his hand to his head. "The memory was real, it was real. I remember when that happened. It was the last night we saw each other before…." _Before Britannia crushed Japan _Lelouch finished sadly. Lelouch glanced at his shoulders and half expected to see some mark left behind by the terrible bird but there were only bruises from Suzaku's hands holding him down earlier that day.

Confused, tired, and miserable Lelouch lay back down and stared into the night through his window.

---Suzakus POV ---

Suzaku stood looking by the window in his dorm looking out over the grounds. He stared with the cold angry eyes that had not left his face since his confrontation with Lelouch. It was very clear now. Lelouch had to be stopped, at any cost; he had to be saved from himself. He tried to let the fall of the rain clear his mind but after several hours Suzaku found the task hopeless. _I can't forget him! I'm not supposed to be his enemy! _He confessed miserably. It was only then that hot tears fell down Suzaku's cheeks as he recalled the Lelouch of long ago who had remained strong, despite his weaknesses. _This Lelouch is different _Suzaku thought bitterly _he keeps secrets, has no honor, no pride, as though consumed by the thought of destroying Brittania as he promised all those years ago. _Suzaku only longed for his friend back. He wished that circumstances had not made them enemies, that this nation would not come between them once again.

_Where has the world where we can love each other freely gone? _

_

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_

3 guesses as to what the big red bird is! *psst* it's Geass/Zero messing with Lelouch's head (and ruining his dreams!) nuuuuuuuuuu T.T

REVIEW PLEASE! Seriously, I'm not sure anyone is reading this anymore. Hello? Anyone out there O.O

A/N: I was generally unhappy with the previous chapter and between then and now I have realized why. I dragged the plot of the Code Geass anime into my story without sufficient elaboration, into this story that was supposed to occur in that world but not in that way (that is, not supposed to follow verbatim, the plot of Code Geass) I made a grave error and I hope this chapter helps to fix it. I couldn't drop the battle off the face of earth (even though it only existed in brief allusions in my story) so it is mentioned but I am putting the story back on the track it's supposed to be on, I think) Having said that I probably saturated this story with entirely too much angst which is surpassed in horrificness only by my lack of grammar and/or sentence structure (I do know how to use grammar, I promise. It's just that I find writing in stream of consciousness very fun, as long as it's coherent). I need a beta! T.T (quick note Lelouch wasn't poisoned, he just fainted.)


	5. Sparring Match

In which they kiss. Ok this chapter is pure fluff, I'm hoping to get a little more content into the coming chapters so please be patient with me. This cute little tet^a^tet just wouldn't let me be until I wrote it though!

Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own Code Geass. If I did it wouldn't be as good as it is.

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Lelouch screamed out in his mind "Suzaku!" Awakening to a dark room Lelouch's eyes grew large as much with surprise as with the need to take in light. "Suzaku…" He said in a dull whisper. Lelouch did not sleep well that whole night. He could not keep the whisper of skin upon skin out of his mind nor could he keep the fear that he felt as he was ripped through the sky by that giant black bird. Shivering from the cold Lelouch got up and crept downstairs; at 5 o'clock in the morning he knew he would be getting no more sleep this night. Besides, there was always work to be done. He found C2 in the kitchen eating some Domino's pizza.

"I don't see how you get them to deliver at all hours of the night"

"hmph" she responded non committaly "I give them enough business"

"I know you do" Lelouch sighed

"You're troubled"

"No I am not troubled, just tired. Tired of this war."

"Surely you're not going to give up now?" C2 asked

"No. But the further along I go with my plans… the more I realize that this entire thing might be a war of attrition. I have to be the victor but the costs…the costs are going to be more than I ever imaged."

"Silly, I told you the costs when you accepted the contract. You will be separated from all others. Everyone who is dear to you will be taken from you."

"Or I will be taken from them." Lelouch said low in his throat

"Hmm?" C2 looked up with wide eyes.

"Nothing. Finish your pizza witch." And with that Lelouch was out of the room before another word could be said.

Lelouch snuck down to the fencing training room. It was on the way to his secret entrance to the underground network beneath the school, and he often liked to stop at the training room to think.

The fencing room was a place to escape to. It had nothing to do with Lelouch or with Zero. It was a large room with high ceilings and windows. It gave Lelouch a rare sense of calm and, especially in the early hours of the morning, it had a sense of protection. The warm wooden floors shone softly in the moonlight and the silence, the silence was bliss. Lelouch made his way through the double doors of the training hall which he had picked with ease; he sat down on a side of the room and leaned back against the cool wall.

_Perhaps it's time to do something about Suzaku. It would be best to neutralize the enemy if he will not join us. While the boy would be useful to our goals he has proven unwilling to participate in the destruction of Britannia. _Lelouch thought cold and calculatingly with none of the warmth for his friend present.

_That's true, he could get in the way of my plans and I want to make this world better. Britannia must be stopped. This is not a world which values people like myself, like Nunnally. For her, I must sever ties with Suzaku. For her, I must continue. _

_No! This cannot be only for Nunnally. You will have to sever ties with her as well in order to be successful. _While the thought pained Lelouch he knew that the voice inside himself was right. C2 was correct, he would have to lose everything he cared for to better this world. With a heavy sigh he stood and made to leave the fencing room.

Slowly, the double doors creaked open and Lelouch froze in place, right in the middle of the sparing floor. Suzaku stepped through the doors glistening in sweat. He had clearly just finished a rigorous practice_._ Lelouch and Suzaku eyed each other warily, Lelouch allowed his gaze to roam over Suzaku's body where he found in the boys right hand…a katana? _But_ Lelouch thought _all Japanese fighting styles were banned after the Britannian Empire took over._

Lelouch did not allow his surprise to show through. Instead he took on an air of contempt. "Hmph. So Suzaku I would have thought that a military man such as yourself would have learned how to follow orders."

"Lelouch" Suzaku replied tiredly, unwilling to fight with the very friend he had been trying to forget in his samurai practice "I know how to follow orders very well."

"How is it then, that you have a katana in your hand? I believe they were banned as was any Japanese fighting style when your country was defeated." Lelouch had nothing but malice in his heart now. He hated that his friend was so hypocritical so unwilling to bend, to break. Lelouch wanted to destroy him.

"Lelouch. Look, being in the military does not change who I am. I still want the same things. I want my country to be a proud nation. I want our freedom. But I'm not willing to go around massacring people to get what I want. I'm not that selfish."

"tch Not selfish. Funny I had thought you weren't before. You were always looking out for others, always playing the hero. But Suzaku, I've come to learn that you are selfish. You're unwilling to sacrifice your morals for what you yourself believe to be right. You are hypocrisy within yourself."

Suzaku could say nothing against this. The guilt he felt for what he had done all those years ago, that sinister word; patricide. The sin hung over his head and tied his tongue but it did not stop the righteous anger Suzaku felt at being slighted by none other than Lelouch, Lelouch of all people!

His eyes burning with fire Suzaku slowly descends upon Lelouch. Slowly the space between the two long lost friends is closed as Suzaku shouts.

"Shut up! Lelouch you have no idea what you're talking about! If you are so morally bankrupt that you can't see that killing people is wrong then I pity you! I pity you Lelouch! I am not going to join, support, or turn a blind eye to your mad man's cause and that is final! To think I called you a friend! Are you a friend? To anyone? Let alone me. I wish you were." Suzaku says even as his eyes begin to smart with angery tears "I wish you were Lelouch, then I wouldn't have to feel so…so..." Suzaku cuts off his own words by smashing his lips together with Lelouch's. It is an aggressive, passionate, hate filled kiss with something more behind all those conflicting emotions. The time of eight years ago when all a kiss was was love still casts a shadow upon all the hurt these two have caused each other. Suzaku keeps his eyes closed tight as he breaks away leaving Lelouch dumbstruck. _So guilty about feeling this way. _Suzaku thought painfully. _I don't want to feel guilty about this too Lelouch. I want you, but you have made yourself my enemy, unattainable, and distant. _Suzaku blushed furiously and without so much as a word or a glance towards Lelouch he left the practice room to return to the safety of his dorms. _Suzaku had kissed him. Stupid! Why did I do that! He is the enemy but he is my friend… deep in his heart Suzaku knew that Lelouch could no longer be trusted even as that selfsame heart desired to have faith in his friend and the idea that Lelouch would be able to topple the empire that had destroyed his homeland. _

Lelouch had come to the fencing room to think, but how, _how_ could he think with someone as irrational as that interrupting his thoughts. With a kiss? Suzaku must have gone mad. Lelouch had to believe Suzaku did not mean it, did not mean it in the way that Lelouch wanted. Because Lelouch knew how hard fighting his friend was, he did not know if he could fight a lover.

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I decided to keep this one short, sweet, and simple. More chapters to come!

On the story in general. Ok so this story has gaping plot holes and I know it. When it's done I might try to clean it up a bit or just do better on my next story. Either way this isn't the level of work I wanted to put out. This chapter is better but not by much.

I love all you reviewers Keep it up and I promise too as well!


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